How Our Reactions Shape Our Child’s Behavior—Especially at Bedtime

Yesterday, my 4-year-old was having a big emotions kind of day. The kind where nothing was quite right unless it was her way. And when things didn’t go as she hoped? Meltdown! Not quiet tears or subtle sulks… we’re talking full-blown screaming, arms flailing, voices raised (eventually mine too…).

Yup. I hit a tipping point.

Instead of staying calm and helping her regulate, I yelled back. And you know what? It never works. It just doesn’t.

History (and experience) has taught me that when I meet her intensity with my own, it always backfires. She’ll escalate even more: hitting, biting, saying hurtful things that she knows she shouldn’t. Which of course just leaves me feeling even more frustrated, guilty, and defeated.

And here’s the thing:

Even though I know staying calm works better, sometimes it feels impossible in the moment. When you’re overstimulated, when your buttons have been pushed all day long, when you’re running on fumes, it’s hard! It takes practice to stay grounded and calm when your child is unraveling right in front of you. I’m still working on it too.

But why does our response matter so much, especially at bedtime?

Because our kids are watching us.

They’re constantly learning from us.

Not just from what we say, but how we say it.

If your household is filled with constant arguments, snapping responses, eye rolls, sarcasm, or tense energy, your child will begin to model the same behaviors. It doesn’t matter if they’re “right” or “wrong,” appropriate or inappropriate, they mirror all of it.

And that includes the end of the day, too.

Defiant behavior can pop up at bedtime without warning. One minute you’re brushing teeth, the next you’re negotiating which pajamas to wear for the third time, and suddenly you’re spiraling into a power struggle.

How we respond in these moments can either defuse the situation or pour gasoline on the fire.

Here are four go-to strategies I turn to when the emotions are running high and bedtime battles are brewing:

Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. If needed, step away for a moment to regroup before returning. You’re not failing your child by needing space, you’re showing them how to pause and self-regulate.

Trying to reason with your child mid-tantrum is like shouting into a windstorm; it won’t land. Wait until they’ve calmed down before you explain what happened and what they could do differently next time.

Responding with yelling, threats, or physical reactions just adds fuel to the fire. Instead of calming things down, it can spiral into complete chaos. Choose peace over power struggles whenever possible.

Kids crave control. When you give them a choice (both of which are acceptable to you), it gives them a sense of autonomy. For example:

• “Would you like to wear the blue pajamas or the red ones?”

• “Do you want to hop or tiptoe to your room?”

This keeps things playful and collaborative instead of combative.

This one’s tough, but it’s important! Follow through with what you say. Boundaries help kids feel safe and build trust because they learn that you mean what you say.

Let your child know in a calm voice what’s expected, and what the outcome will be if they don’t follow through. For example:

🪥 “It’s time to brush your teeth. I’ll give you 10 seconds to start brushing, or I’ll help you get it done.”

Then calmly follow through. No surprises, no threats, just consistency. 

I’m not writing this as someone who has it all figured out. I’m writing this as someone who's in the trenches with you. Who messes up. Who yells. Who regrets it. And who tries again the next day.

But what I know for sure is this:

How we show up matters.

Every tone we use. Every eye roll we resist. Every time we choose patience instead of power. Our children are learning what it means to be calm, respectful, and emotionally regulated by watching how we respond when things get tough.

So next time bedtime battles begin, take a breath, remember that their behavior is communication, and choose to model the kind of behavior you hope they’ll grow into.

You’ve got this. And if you ever feel like you don’t?

I’m here to help.

If you’re struggling with bedtime behavior and looking for support, book a free 30-minute consultation and let’s talk about how I can help bring calm and sleep back to your home.